Sexual Orientation

Parents: Are you concerned about your teenager’s understanding of sex and sexual activity? Do they know about “the birds and the bees” but you’re not sure if they know “how to do it?” If they are doing it are they getting as much as they possibly can from the experience? Would you like their first sexual experience to be positive, gentle and have an educational context? If so, then our Sexual Education eXploration (SEX) summer camp is for you!
SEX Camp is a place where bright, attractive teenagers go to learn first-hand about sex. All topics are covered in depth with person-to-person “hands-on” instruction. Our camp counselors are well-balanced, kind and gentle lovers who will help your teenager experience sexual experiences in a safe, positive environment. The counselors not only handle the “physics” of the experience, but the deep emotional feelings as well. Our 1:1 camper-counselor ratio ensures that your camper will have the same lover through the whole program. They’ll build a strong relationship and experience plenty of foreplay, fondling and fun. We’re full of respect, but we’re not shy!
Three-Day Course Modules: Our three-day program covers the important basics such as eye contact, body language, first touch, closeness, kissing, advanced kissing, partial and full nakedness, full-body foreplay, cunnilingus, fellatio, multiple orgasms and intercourse (top, bottom, doggy and a few trick positions).
Full-Week Course Modules: Our full-week program includes all of the three-day modules plus additional advanced topics such as morning sex, the nooner, sauces and food as sexual tools, sex in the shower, rhythms of sex (nightly and weekly), anal stimulation and penetration, masks, personas, dress-up, light bondage and spanking.
The Basics: Every program includes critical preparation topics such as anatomy, condoms, diaphragms, the pill, lubrication, useful supplies to have on hand, and introduces beginner sexual aids like dildos, butt-plugs and videos. We also cover, in both three-day and full-week programs, important closure topics such as maximizing post-coital glow, cuddling, nuzzling, waking up together, and talking directly about sexual experiences.
The Setting: SEX Camp is held in a beautiful, natural environment that is conducive to quiet, intimate and intense personal growth. There are miles of nature trails, singing birds, flower gardens, gorgeous sunrises and sunsets, and a great clothing-optional beach for soaking up the sun.
The Accommodations: Each camper has the private use of one side of a duplex, with their counselor assigned to the other side. Each has a private bathroom and separate entrance. This arrangement allows the camper to have privacy when desired, and also allows for the variety of two Learning Locations.
The Counselors: Our camp counselors are selected for their inner beauty as well as their damn good looks. All counselors undergo extensive pre-screening, testing and training. We personally check their factual knowledge as well as their individual technique. They are dedicated to their campers and are able to imply lasting bonds of friendship. We staff all major personality archetypes to insure a perfect match with the camper.
Added Benefit: When leaving camp most of our campers experience the heartbreak of losing a lover, providing an opportunity for you as parents to nurture, counsel and support your teenager through this difficult emotional experience. Imagine how beneficial it is to have a predictable first heartbreak – your teenager will make better choices about future partners and as a result will have a healthier sex life.
Optional Post-Camp Follow-Up: For a small additional fee, our counselors will continue the relationship when the camp session ends. Occasional letters, email and IM allow for a smooth separation process and help the camper integrate the sexual learning experience into their everyday lives. Sorry, telephone contact is not possible.
Optional Multi-Counselor Package: For a large additional fee, your camper can learn from as many counselors as desired, in addition to their Primary Counselor. We staff a separate team for the Multi-Counselor Program so that the camper can experience the feelings of guilt, shame, abandonment and betrayal when “cheating” on their Primary Counselor. In addition, Multi-Counselor Team consists only of highly experienced returning counselors who can safely take the camper to “the next level.”
Important Notes: Campers must have reached the age of consent in both their home state and the state of the camping program. Your camper chooses their counselor based on first-come first-choice. Sign up early for the best selection. Counselors are tested for a full range of STDs every three days.
Adults: Check out our SEX Camp programs for mid-career adults looking for a little variety or a fresh new start. Get the education you always wanted in a safe, healthy positive environment.
Job opportunities available. Call for more information.
(Note to ultra-literal readers: The above is satire. Take a deep breath. Write some poetry. Your congressperson doesn’t actually care, don’t bother calling them.)