On Waking Up Fearful

There are, at least, two primary kinds of fear. The first is internal. Say, I’m late on some client work. Generally I can use internal fear as a motivator – I get up wicked early and crank on the to-do list. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and waste some time mentally spinning with no results, but usually I can get traction at some point and move through it, make progress, and meet the deadline.
The other kind of fear is external. Generally I can recognize and then ignore external fear and just move on.
But sometimes external fear is a lot harder to shake. Say, you’re trying to have a graceful mediated divorce, and your wife chooses a lawyer who has a local rep which freaks you out. You hear all the voices, the dozen people now who have sighed, rolled their eyes, and said things about him you don’t want to type. Then you find out that the accountants made an error on the 2004 taxes and in addition to the $12,363 you owe for 2005, you owe another $3,000 for 2004. Technically, it’s joint debt, with each party having full responsibility for the whole debt, no matter who earned the income. But practically, it’s extremely painful, and the last thing you need is an opposing lawyer who is known to play games. Hopefully that lawyer is not also stupid, and sees there’s no money here, and wraps this up post haste.
I didn’t even want lawyers, I wanted a mediator. The compromise was we’d mediate but Lynne wanted a lawyer to advise her, and at that point I felt exposed and thought I should have one too. So I found a lawyer who has Tibetan prayer flags behind her desk, and she’s smart and witty and has a great rep, and I’m getting great advice, especially in the context of trying to have a non-confrontational ending to an introspective and non-angry separation and decision process.
I managed to avoid, in toto, the five-year 9/11 anniversary fear campaign manufactured by the Bush/Cheney Consolidated-Corporate-Media department industry last week (screw you, ABC). But it’s hard to tell how much of that propaganda is thriving below the surface in the collective unconscious, and if it’s alive and well, whether it would be easy to infiltrate a non-participant like me. In this case I would like to think that my feelings are tied to a global external fear rather than a local external fear, but you just never know.
In any event, the NH law statutes are an interesting read.